Emotionally Dead

This is a self therapy post because of the way I am feeling.  If you don't like when people think out loud and have a whinge, then don't read on.  If you do read on and choose to be negative, keep it to yourself because I have enough of my own negativity floating around at the moment for both of us.

What do you do when you get to that point when you have been pushed away or starved emotionally for so long that you no longer want to be around people. Or your walls become so high and so thick you feel that you don't ever want to come out again.  

For some it is just too little too late and I don't know how to change that.  

For years I have fought for emotional and physical support and I think I have well and truly passed my breaking point to where now I just feel numb.  I have begged, pleaded to be wanted and loved the way I deserve and it never came and now I don't even care.  I don't care any more that I am considered unimportant or just another purchase.  A bargaining chip to be used against my children as emotional blackmail.  Maybe that was the plan all along, wear me down, turn me into mush so that life was easier.

I feel as if I have failed my children and created emotional wrecks instead of the strong independent beings I thought I was building.  I have realised they no longer need me in their life.  They need their dad for their material stuff but they have no need of me because all I can provide is emotional support, and they don't want that from me, they get it from their friends.  They want cars and computers and phones etc.  I try to make light of it all and make jokes about my job being done now, it kills me.  It kills me inside that they don't see it, they don't see what I need,  They don't see how much I need to be their mother. What do you do when this point in your life comes?  How do you make yourself feel needed or necessary?

What an emotional rollercoaster this is.  

I am still sitting on 89kg now.  I can't eat properly nor do I want to.  I've lost interest in everything.  Even the approaching Christmas holiday holds no joy for me yet.  Christmas was ruined for me years ago with the children being yelled at for being excited on Christmas mornings, told they were greedy, selfish and spoiled.  Yelling at the monsters you yourself created!   Fighting and worrying over the cost of it all.  How can you get excited when all you do is dread the energies around you.

 I don't like this place I am at the moment.  I don't feel sorry for myself and I certainly don't need sympathy.  I am angry.  Angry I gave in to everything I said I wouldn't.  I've allowed my children to be spoiled, I allowed myself to be undermined every step of the way and I allowed myself to be walked over and emotionally battered for far too long.  That's what it is, I am angry.  But how do I change it? I have been this person for too long.  Always afraid of upsetting the applecart and making waves.  Never wanting to hurt other people or make too much noise.

I thought I was tough once,  I thought I was strong.  I have tried to be.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me and I especially wanted my daughters to learn to be strong but loving women.  Instead they are afraid to love, afraid of being hurt and my son seems to not want to get too close either.  What have I done to these amazing human beings?  How can I help them if I can't even help myself by putting myself into a stronger place?  How can I be a good mother after I have allowed them to be ruined?  How do you turn back time and prevent this journey in the first place?

I keep thinking of Marilyn Munro's quote, but my own version:  "You didn't want me at my lowest, you sure as shit don't deserve me at my best"

Two weeks down

It is amazing the different emotions I go through from day to day.  The worst has to be frustration.  It's over a month now since I've had to stop taking my HRT and I'm really noticing a difference in how I handle things emotionally.  I don't!

I'm finding I am becoming more and more frustrated with the tiniest things and very easily.

I don't want to be involved in anything at the moment, all I want to do is spend time cleaning and arranging the house and I can't even do that, so, as you can imagine, I haven't been in a very good frame of mind.

I hadn't noticed much change in my weight at all since coming home from the hospital, but then again, I haven't been using much energy either until this last week.

So, I'm now down to 90kg, that's a total of 15kgs down.

Now the measurements:

Bust:       42 1/2"        (Down 1")
Waist:     42"              (Down 2")
Hips:      47"              (Down 1/2")

Neck:   15"                (no change)
Upper Arm:   15"      (up 1/2")
Upper thigh:  27"      (Down 1")

All in all not a lot of change from a week ago so I'm thinking I might start doing my measurements each fortnight then move to monthly for a while.  I think it will be so much more encouraging to watch big changes.

 Now for the horrible photos, but I need these, they show me why I am putting myself through all this.

I really do dislike pictures like this, they're not flattering at all, but they are the cold hard proof of just how big and unhealthy I am, or was, and what I am working with.

But at least I can do myself up now and feel half decent :)  I don't mind puting photos like that up because I haven't felt like dressing up in a very long time :)

Not a good day

So, I am now a week post op and have lost no weight at all since.

My mood is absolutely shocking at the moment.  I am not feeling sorry for myself but I am feeling extremely angry at the world and the lack of support I get.  Doing one job a day, after being nagged, is NOT helping at all and it's really knocking me out.

My stomach is still quite sore but nothing I can't handle. Thinking I may just have to get in and do it all myself so that it gets done.  We have a house inspection on Friday and I can't see me having everything done that needs doing, not at this rate.

I'm still not eating much, I just can't get enough in.  I haven't had what I would call a 'full' feeling but have been hungry a hell of a lot.  There is something that isn't being satisfied and that is not helping the way I feel either.

I can't get help from my partner because he went out for his Army training on the weekend and badly dislocated his shoulder, poor bugger.  I swear the Universe really has it in for us sometimes.  It seems every time I have surgery something happens to John as well so we are both useless lol.

I have been trying to research good healthy recipes etc.  Not just Vegan foods or Paleo etc, but a broad range, otherwise I won't follow the diet.  But I don't want to just do this for me, I wish I could share everything with others and help others eat better so that they didn't have health or weight issues.

I can't wait to get out and walk with Shadow and start enjoying the sunshine but I'm still too sore and so always feeling like it's never going to happen.

Well, sitting at my computer feeling like shit isn't going to help so I better get moving. 

Here's to hoping this day gets better.  I'm glad I do have somewhere I can whinge and vent and have others understand, otherwise I think I would go nucking futs!

1 Week post Bariatric surgery

I'm still sore in the tummy muscles but feeling brilliant.

I would do this again in a heart beat.

I've had no illness, a small amount of nausea on the first day but that's it.  Very sore and bruised tummy muscles, which I think is to be expected.

Still only taking in fluids but they are full fluids so I'm almost never hungry.

So far, since the first day of speaking with Dr. Chisholm, I have lost 14 kilos.  I am so happy with that.

I can put my arms down to my sides without it hurting!!  I've not been able to do that for 2 years!

I don't think others realise how much of a difference this makes to me.  The rolls of flubber are still there, but much smaller.  and I am looking forward to them going all together.  It's just so funny that now I notice things like sitting in the hairdresser chair I had my elbows INSIDE the chair!  I didn't have to adjust the way I sat at all! Normally I would need to move my right arm in and out and up and down until I found a comfortable spot that didn't push on my scar tissue!  This is probably a big part of why my emotions are high at the moment.

I'm no longer taking HRT or Anti Depressants.  I don't need them.  I'm stronger than I've felt in a very long time and I'm seeing the world a lot clearer than I have for a long time.  I know it is going to take a while for my emotions to settle and the pain in my body.  And I know I will have down days as well as good, but I truly don't care!

I made a decision that was right for me and has done amazing things for me in just one week and that makes me proud :)

Now, for the yukky stuff.  If you do not like photos of middle aged, rather obese women, then don't look!  These are so others wanting surgery can see how things go, but also for myself, so I can feel proud of each achievement.  If you are an ugly person and feel the need to put me down that's fine, that's who you are and is up to you.  But I will say this,  I can lose weight and be, what I FEEL, is beautiful inside and out, but you will still be ugly, so think about that first.

So,  Week 1,  Measurements and photos.

Neck: 15"
Bust:  43"
Waist: 44"
Hips:  47.5 "
Upper arm:  14.5"
Thigh:  28"

The Day is getting closer

I had my last visit today with my Bariatric specialist, Dr Jacob Chisholm, and he is very happy.  In the almost 4 weeks since seeing him I have lost 7kg, I think that is around 14 pound in the old scale, and I think he was quite surprised lol

My ultrasounds were good but my TH3 levels are very low and my gallbladder has sludge, which may turn to stones later, but apart from that everything else is a go :)

I had my mum with me this time.  I know she has been really stressed and worrying about it, you're never to old to be your Mammy's baby, so I thought it would be nice if she could meet him and ask anything that was really worrying her.  I am pretty sure she is feeling much more positive about the whole thing now, which is a huge comfort to me.  I may be almost 50 and I know it's my choice, but it's not nice to worry your parents no matter how old you are :)  especially when you are close as we are.

So, now, time to think about what to take into the hospital with me.  I know I am going to take advantage and sleep as much as possible lol but I think I will take my hand sewing with me to work on.

This is starting to become real now and I am starting to become so positive and can feel the confidence already starting to lift.  Now to find the strength to make sure I don't let Anyone take that confidence away again.

I think it might also be a good idea to start taking some photos for my befores and afters.  I'm sure they will be interesting lol

2 more sleeps

I had my last visit today with my Bariatric specialist, Dr Jacob Chisholm, and he is very happy.  In the almost 4 weeks since seeing him I have lost 7kg, I think that is around 14 pound in the old scale, and I think he was quite surprised lol

My ultrasounds were good but my TH3 levels are very low and my gallbladder has sludge, which may turn to stones later, but apart from that everything else is a go :)

I had my mum with me this time.  I know she has been really stressed and worrying about it, you're never to old to be your Mammy's baby, so I thought it would be nice if she could meet him and ask anything that was really worrying her.  I am pretty sure she is feeling much more positive about the whole thing now, which is a huge comfort to me.  I may be almost 50 and I know it's my choice, but it's not nice to worry your parents no matter how old you are :)  especially when you are close as we are.

So, now, time to think about what to take into the hospital with me.  I know I am going to take advantage and sleep as much as possible lol but I think I will take my hand sewing with me to work on.

This is starting to become real now and I am starting to become so positive and can feel the confidence already starting to lift.  Now to find the strength to make sure I don't let Anyone take that confidence away again.

I think it might also be a good idea to start taking some photos for my befores and afters.  I'm sure they will be interesting lol

The day is getting closer

Well, only 4 more days before a whole new journey starts. 

I've had my Endoscopy and everything was fine, and I've also had my ultrasounds on my liver and pancreas and I dare say I will hear about those results when I see my surgeon on Wednesday.  So, it's all systems go by the looks of things.

I can't stop thinking about it and the changes it's going to bring for me.

I can already feel my confidence growing and even the negative comments I am still receiving, thinly veiled with "but I do support you" comments, are not having any effect on me now.  I am so determined.

My whole life I have let everyone else control me and lived for everyone else, don't get me wrong, there were occasions where I put myself first, but very few and far between, it's not how I was raised.  Where did it get me?  Walked over and taken for granted.

That won't be happening any more.  I'm slowly but surely taking back my power.  I have always been great at empowering others and encouraging others, well now it's time to take a dose of my own medicine.

These are some photographs of me from the last couple of years.  Reminders to myself of why I am going to put my body through this.

They don't show the painful part, the emotional reasons, they don't need to, I know that part inside. I have put on another 15kg since these were taken, then lost, then put on another 10 and so on it goes.

I turn 50 in October, 2015, I promise myself that I will be in the best possible shape by then.

I have three absolutely incredible children who are just starting to sort out their own path in life and I want to be here for a very long time to enjoy watching their journey and, hopefully, that of their children.

So, now another countdown starts, 4 more days :)